HOW TO SURVIVE A NIGERIAN WEDDING RECEPTION

I’m not the wedding type.

Okay, scratch that, I always decline wedding invitations for reasons I can’t yet fathom.

But I recently attended a friend’s wedding which inspired this post, So if you are like me and you are inexperienced about Nigerian wedding receptions(because people hardly attend the church service) this article is for you.

FIND YOURSELF A GOOD SEAT

You might wonder why I started with this item on the list but where you sit will determine whether you have a good time or you leave the reception with a sour temper.

The best seat should be close to the caterer’s table, this means that you can easily get to food and drinks without too much hustle but this doesn’t mean you can get a second plate(side-eyeing those who like to eat double portions at events).

Another good place is to sit amongst women on ‘uniform’ because whatever they bring to their table you’d definitely get. Those women are usually associates of the bride’s or groom’s mother. These women are always treated specially because every server is afraid of offending them.

Yes, you read right.

These women probably belong to the same club or association as the mothers of the couple so they would love to spoil them, it’s their way of showing off.
They do not want their children’s wedding to be the source of latest gossip so they make sure these women are pampered; if there be any tale to tell it would be of good report, so they get the choicest of souvenirs, food and drinks and plenty of extras to take home.

If you can’t get a seat at their table(because most times, the seats are already booked and accounted for and they don’t want just anyone else at their table), at least get a seat close to theirs. The oil of privilege would rub off you.

Another cool place you should consider sitting at is close to the almighty high table especially if the sitting arrangement places the dignitaries on the same floor with the rest of the attendees. This table is a table of priority, it is where the money spenders are seated so they’re usually the first to be served, if you sit close to this table you might be the next to get served after the dignitaries.

FORGIVE EVERYONE IN ADVANCE

Forgive in advance everyone that wILL annoy you because definitely there are people that wIll offend you.
The women that will pack off everything from the table, the women that would block your view with their trampoline gele, the jollof rice distributor that would snub you, the gentleman by your side trying badly to start a conversation, etc.
Go to a Nigerian wedding reception ready to forgive everyone, anyone and anything that will offend you.

GET READY FOR THE CHAIRMAN’S SPEECH

By ‘get ready’, I mean find something else to do as soon as he is handed the microphone.

The chairman’s speech will definitely turn into another sermon, so forgive him in advance and make sure to use your phone as entertainment while the sermon goes on.
I really don’t understand why a chairman’s speech has to be lengthy and they’re usually unnecessary. Most of them turn this session into another Bible charging sermon and this isn’t fair seeing as we’ve just come from the church ceremony and guests are really at the reception to unwind and celebrate with the couple.

EXPECT THE MISOGYNIST JOKES

Most Nigerian MC’s are very unfunny and slow but they insist on laughing at their own unfunny jokes which is where the problem begins.

The worst kinds are those who begin to advice the bride on how to serve her husband. This is one of the reasons why I asked you to forgive everyone in advance, because you are bound to hear cringe-worthy stuff that will have you gnashing your teeth; take a gulp of water and just roll your eyes. It will soon be over.

The MCs who annoy me the most are those who chip in activities and games into the ceremony, most of these activities are usually in bad taste and not freaking necessary especially when the ceremony is already behind schedule and people are itching to go home.

Just move on already so we can go to our homes.

EAT AT HOME

What I’m about to say might be hard for a lot of us to believe but the people in charge of food are humans(lol) and therefore imperfect.

At most Nigerian weddings the persons in charge of foods and drinks are mostly relatives and friends of the couple. They aren’t experts and might be overwhelmed by this responsibility, so contrary to what you believe they aren’t demigods who have decided to ignore your pleas for nutrition, they’re humans who are most likely confused and probably getting frustrated by being dragged to and fro just to please you.

This is why I encourage everyone to eat at home before attending a Nigerian wedding reception.

I know that item 7 is already a part of the event but just eat before leaving your house,Β  so you don’t leave the reception sour and hungry.

The reason why you’re probably telling everyone the wedding was ‘just there’ might be because you didn’t get anything to eat or the occasion dragged on for too long or the MC made a distasteful joke but if you follow the advice I’ve given in the steps above, you will have a better time.

Do you think there are other ways in which one can successfully survive a Nigerian wedding reception?
Please drop your suggestions in the comment section and is be sure to reply.

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Adios.